Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was a company called Superhypermegaultrasynergy Industries.
Precisely what Superhypermegaultrasynergy Industries actually did was a mystery to everyone, including its management and staff.
Their website wasn’t much help either:
“In an increasingly postmodern digital landscape, we create dynamic hybridised paradigm shifting omni-channel convergence platforms and markets that generate genuine value for consumers, governments and enterprises through blue sky thinking, leading to synergy generating outcomes and solutions!”
Even the local federal MP complained about the amount of spin these guys generated.
It was the kind of workplace in which no buzzword was left behind, no matter how shallow and meaningless. Why, they had a whole SoLoMo department. It was just down the hall from the wantrepreneur offices and to the left of the twinterns.
Of course, despite the beanbags and free vicuñacinos, there were downsides to working for Superhypermegaultrasynergy Industries.
“So Johnny’s working hard as a butcher and Jane’s studying at uni. Sally, what do you do with yourself these days?” grandma asked, after serving a home-cooked roast during a family get-together.
“I work for Superhypermegaultrasynergy Industries. We were in the business of marketing dynamic hybridised paradigm shifting omni-channel convergence platforms. But that strategy reached a pain point. So now we’re now pivoting our core competency through a program of acqui-hiring post-convergent bleeding-edge integrated cloud-based mobile app developers to create integrated scalable social solutions. It’s in order to reach out and empower consumers through full service vertical markets, encouraging buy-in through our solutions in the process!” Sally replies.
Grandma dropped her chicken drumstick in confusion. I don’t blame her. It’s hard to fend off an onslaught of bullsh-t while at the same time holding a piece of poultry with arthritic fingers.
The funny thing is that Superhypermegaultrasynergy’s potential investors and customers felt exactly the same as Sally’s grandma. When the founders pitched their business to VCs, they found themselves rejected in favour of entrepreneurs who had an actual business plan and could explain how it could make money. Potential customers just dropped their chicken drumsticks.
In Taskmaster’s view, the only thing worse than industry jargon is a stream of hollow “solutions” and “synergies”.
So does your marketing material read like it came from the offices of Superhypermegaultrasynergy Industries? Or do any of the jargon terms from this article appear anywhere on your website or in your marketing materials?
Here’s Old Taskmaster’s rule of thumb: If Sally’s grandma doesn’t understand what it means, it probably belongs in the garbage.
Get it done – today!